Masturbation Mishaps Introduction
I decided that since I have all this wonderful Emergency Department experience and all the interesting things I have seen, it is time to start writing.
I honestly am an ED nurse. I have worked in Emergency for more than 13 years. I have worked at large intercity teaching hospitals and while I was a traveling nurse I worked in Emergency Departments ranging from 12 beds all the way up to 90 beds.
Now, there really is no difference in the people that you see in the small emergency departments and the large ones. Rural or Urban people have mishaps. This one is an introduction to the Masturbation side of the mishaps and then I will have to write about the sexual mishaps too because they are just as wild.
Number 1. Do not place glass products in your vagina or anus. (Unless of course it is a glass dildo, meant for insertion). This is to include bottles, beer bottles, rum bottles, wine bottles, light bulbs, nail polish bottles and other assorted glass objects. Seriously, this one happens all the time.
My latest story about glass objects didn't even come from a patient. It actually came from a Co-Worker. One of our tech's decided to say out loud that she had a day when she was so horny and she didn't own any sex toys. She was hot and bothered and saw no relief, she looked around and didn't see anything more suitable than a bottle of rum.
She covered it at least with one of her rubber gloves and had at it. Thank goodness she didn't have a mishap and end up in our Emergency Department with a vaginal bleed related to the glass bottle breaking. She would have had to quit her job. One would never outlive the stories.
She then stated that when she had company come over within the next week, she offered them drinks but stated that she didn't have any rum, at which time her husband of course said that there was a bottle in the bedroom. She saved herself by saying that it had been broken and there was no rum left.
There will be more stories coming.......
1 comment:
Anal Play ~ Masturbation Mishaps
Anal Play
A very common thing that I have seen over the years working in the Emergency Departments, Foreign Body In Rectum. Sounds like a nice diagnosis. Honestly, I have seen this so much that I cannot give you a number. I have seen it in the large urban hospitals and the small ones too.
Now, medical professionals do know that people stick things up their bums. It is not uncommon. And yes, sometimes people aren't smart and they use objects that should not be used for anal play. The General public who are not experienced don't always use the best judgement and they don't research these things. For instance, if you want to put something up your bumm, make sure that it has something on it that will stop it from being sucked up into your rectum.
More than 50% of the time, people give the Medical professionals some wild story of how the object ended up their ass. Come on, we know how it got there, you don't have to give us the elaborate story.
Here's one, A man from a town approximately 80 miles from this large urban emergency department. (He drove past at least 5 other hospitals to this hospital). He stated that he was walking along minding his own business and someone grabbed him and pulled down his pants and shoved something up his ass.
He drove 80 miles and No, he doesn't want us to call the police from his small town and file a report. Really? Most people would like to file a report for that one.
He stated that he didn't know what was shoved up his ass, and oh, it happened the day before. So he received the requisite X-Ray. The object only faintly showed up on the x-ray and it was low enough for the surgeon to take a direct approach. We still did not know what it was and the man did not know.
Now, there are several different ways that health care professionals can do things. We can be very nice and use the tools at our disposal such as medications and such. But, when doctors feel that they are being played and lied to they tend to not use all of the tools available to them.
So this nice man had to assume the doggy style position and the doctor inserted a rectal speculum and then a vaginal speculum and dang, what is that? We ask the patient again, no he doesn't know what it is. After many hours of abdominal massage, and speculums that were nicely lubed up the doctor was finally able to grab a piece of what what up there.
It seems that it was a large cucumber. When I say large, I mean large, it had a diameter of at least 3 inches. My dildo's aren't that big, and for those of us who use toys, we know that you cannot do this for your first time. He didn't have any tearing or obvious signs of trauma.
I honestly cannot remember what it was that we did to continue to get that cucumber out. This actually occurred a very long time ago and in a hospital that is no where near where I live now.
The moral of the story is that if you do loose any object up your bum, please be honest with the health care professional. We know that you put it there, we are not ignorant. It will make for a much easier experience for you. Also, don't put things up your bum that don't go there.
1 comment:
Anal Mishaps Part 2
On a Sunday evening a gentleman came into the Emergency Department with his wife. It seems that they had been playing around late Saturday night, the wife was using a vibrator around his anus for some added stimulation. The vibe got sucked up.
This couple was at least honest with the Doctor and staff and let us know that it was a vibrator and yes, it was being used for sexual pleasure. The man actually tried to take laxatives and other such techniques to try to get it out, but no success.
This man was really an awful patient. He believed that despite the fact that the vibrator was there for hours that he was truly an emergency. He was not happy that he was required to wait. So, instantly he got on the wrong side of the nurses. This is not a good thing to do.
He had to wait to get to a treatment room and then wait to see a doctor. He didn't realize that he had come to a very large urban hospital that sees people with things like gunshot wounds and stabbings. Of course, his vibrator issue was much more important.
When I put my stethoscope up to this man's belly I could actually hear that the dam thing was still on, and very high up in his bowels. I asked the wife what type of batteries she was using. This caused her and myself to bust out laughing. Of course this pissed off the man even more.
He got his X-ray, dang, it’s way up there and it is still rumbling. The man decided that he wants to have something to eat while he is waiting for the surgeon to see him. It is very hard to explain to a pissed off individual that you can not eat anything because they may want to do surgery.
I will always remember the surgeon asking the man how big it was and the man stating that it was approximately this big with a show of his hands, indicating about 8 inches long and 1 1/2 inches around. The wife then clarified that it is more like 5 inches long and maybe an inch around. I guess he wanted to seem like he could take larger toys? I did tell the surgeon that I would go with the wife's measurements. This of course pissed the man off.
Eventually the batteries died and the surgeon did come to see him and they had scheduled surgery for the next morning. He still wasn't able to eat. I really didn't feel bad for him because he was so awful to all the staff and to his wife.
The moral of the story is to be nice to the Emergency Department staff, it gets you more compassion and don't use toys anally if they weren't meant for anal play. Get toys with a flange.
These images are not from the actual patient described.
5 comments:
~ yeah, that's how men measure there dicks! It always seems bigger than itreally is!!
~ yeah, that's how men measure there dicks! It always seems bigger than itreally is!!