Masturbation Mishaps Introduction

I decided that since I have all this wonderful Emergency Department experience and all the interesting things I have seen, it is time to start writing.

I honestly am an ED nurse.  I have worked in Emergency for more than 13 years.  I have worked at large intercity teaching hospitals and while I was a traveling nurse I worked in Emergency Departments ranging from 12 beds all the way up to 90 beds.

Now, there really is no difference in the people that you see in the small emergency departments and the large ones.  Rural or Urban people have mishaps.  This one is an introduction to the Masturbation side of the mishaps and then I will have to write about the sexual mishaps too because they are just as wild.

Number 1.  Do not place glass products in your vagina or anus. (Unless of course it is a glass dildo, meant for insertion).  This is to include bottles, beer bottles, rum bottles, wine bottles, light bulbs, nail polish bottles and other assorted glass objects.  Seriously, this one happens all the time.

My latest story about glass objects didn't even come from a patient.  It actually came from a Co-Worker.  One of our tech's decided to say out loud that she had a day when she was so horny and she didn't own any sex toys.  She was hot and bothered and saw no relief, she looked around and didn't see anything more suitable than a bottle of rum.

She covered it at least with one of her rubber gloves and had at it.  Thank goodness she didn't have a mishap and end up in our Emergency Department with a vaginal bleed related to the glass bottle breaking.  She would have had to quit her job.  One would never outlive the stories.

She then stated that when she had company come over within the next week, she offered them drinks but stated that she didn't have any rum, at which time her husband of course said that there was a bottle in the bedroom.  She saved herself by saying that it had been broken and there was no rum left.

There will be more stories coming.......

1 comment:

Pretty Boy Toy Box said...
Nail polish bottles? Good lord! I can't even imagine how that would feel good. Maybe a company should start making dildos shaped like these objects since people just won't stop putting them where they don't belong.

Anal Play ~ Masturbation Mishaps

Anal Play

A very common thing that I have seen over the years working in the Emergency Departments,   Foreign Body In Rectum.  Sounds like a nice diagnosis.  Honestly, I have seen this so much that I cannot give you a number.  I have seen it in the large urban hospitals and the small ones too.

Now, medical professionals do know that people stick things up their bums.  It is not uncommon.  And yes, sometimes people aren't smart and they use objects that should not be used for anal play.  The General public who are not experienced don't always use the best judgement and they don't research these things.  For instance, if you want to put something up your bumm, make sure that it has something on it that will stop it from being sucked up into your rectum.

More than 50% of the time, people give the Medical professionals some wild  story of how the object ended up their ass. Come on, we know how it got there, you don't have to give us the elaborate story.

Here's one,  A man from a town approximately 80 miles from this large urban emergency department. (He drove past at least 5 other hospitals to this hospital). He stated that he was walking along minding his own business and someone grabbed him and pulled down his pants and shoved something up his ass.

He drove 80 miles and  No,  he doesn't want us to call the police from his small town and file a report.  Really?  Most people would like to file a report for that one.

He stated that he didn't know what was shoved up his ass, and oh, it happened the day before.  So he received the requisite X-Ray.  The object only faintly showed up on the x-ray and it was low enough for the surgeon to take a direct approach.  We still did not know what it was and the man did not know.
Now, there are several different ways that health care professionals can do things.  We can be very nice and use the tools at our disposal such as medications and such.  But, when doctors feel that they are being played and lied to they tend to not use all of the tools available to them.

So this nice man had to assume the doggy style position and the doctor inserted a rectal speculum and then a vaginal speculum and dang,  what is that?  We ask the patient again, no he doesn't know what it is.  After many hours of abdominal massage, and speculums that were nicely lubed up the doctor was finally able to grab a piece of what what up there.

It seems that it was a large cucumber.  When I say large, I mean large,  it had a diameter of at least 3 inches.  My dildo's aren't that big, and for those of us who use toys, we know that you cannot do this for your first time.  He didn't have any tearing or obvious signs of trauma.

I honestly cannot remember what it was that we did to continue to get that cucumber out.  This actually occurred a very long time ago and in a hospital that is no where near where I live now.

The moral of the story is that if you do loose any object up your bum, please be honest with the health care professional.  We know that you put it there, we are not ignorant.  It will make for a much easier experience for you.   Also, don't put things up your bum that don't go there.

1 comment:

Liz said...
Great post. Is it bad that I chuckled a bit? Driving that long and bypassing other hospitals is just ridiculous. His ability to take that much is impressive though.

1 comment:

TJtheMadHatter said...

You would think he'd more humble than anything. Thanks for sharing this. Another reason I'm all about anal safe toys. Eek.